Does Loving Someone Mean Sacrificing Yourself? A Therapist Says: Speaking Up Isn’t Selfish

In intimate relationships, do we mistakenly believe that 'sacrifice' is the ultimate proof of love? In truth, genuine love isn't built on one-sided suppression and compromise. Learning to set clear psychological boundaries and returning responsibilities to where they belong—each partner—opens the door to honest communication and paves the way for a healthier, more balanced connection.

Ayi is a classic 'giver' in love. Early in his relationship, his girlfriend cared for him diligently when he was ill. Her tenderness left a deep impression, convincing him she loved him wholeheartedly. From then on, he unconditionally fulfilled every request she made—reasonable or not. Whenever conflicts arose, even when he wasn't at fault, he'd immediately apologize, terrified of losing her. He swallowed all his hurt, disappointment, and unease without ever voicing them.

Then one day, due to a work transfer, Ayi was assigned to a different city. At first, they stayed in close contact, but gradually, his girlfriend began leaving messages on read or replying with cold indifference. Ayi finally started reflecting: What went wrong in this relationship? Why had two once-intimate people drifted so far apart?

Perhaps you see yourself in Ayi’s story. Whether it’s with a partner, family member, or close friend, we often suppress our true feelings out of excessive concern for the other person. We fear that speaking our mind might push them away or break the bond, so we keep compromising and conforming to their expectations. Even when we sense the relationship has become unbalanced, we remain trapped in the fear of 'ruining things,' eventually sinking into emotional exhaustion or self-doubt.

Even more common is silently giving while expecting the other person to 'naturally' understand and reciprocate. When that expectation isn’t met, we blame ourselves for 'not doing enough.' Yet the real issue may be this: you’ve never clearly expressed your needs. Without knowing your expectations, how can they respond? Over time, your efforts become taken for granted, and the cycle deepens.

How Can We Build Healthier Relationships?

First, become aware: What makes you afraid to express your true feelings? Will one honest conversation really destroy the relationship? Someone who truly cares about you is willing to take time to understand you—even if friction arises along the way. When you courageously take that first step toward open dialogue, you create space for deeper mutual understanding and connection.

Second, remember this: Speaking up for yourself isn’t selfish. Before caring for others, listen to your inner voice. Make choices that don’t force, burden, or sacrifice your well-being. This is the foundation of sustainable love. Only when you care for yourself can you offer others stable, high-quality support. This isn’t indifference—it’s giving within your capacity, preventing emotional strain from taking root. The other person will also cherish your sincerity more deeply.

Finally, establish clear psychological boundaries. Ayi’s struggle stemmed from believing he 'had no choice' but to endure passively. But in reality, both people in any relationship share responsibility. When you recognize this and return responsibilities that aren’t yours to the other person, your inner burden lightens, and you stop blaming yourself for everything. Only then can both parties stand on equal ground to face challenges and solve problems together.

Change is never easy—especially when the real opponent is your own 'habit.' But the moment you resolve to break old patterns, transformation has already begun. Habits form over time, and healing takes time too. Be patient with yourself—failing a few times doesn’t matter. As long as you’re consciously choosing to change, you’re already on the path toward healthier relationships. 🌸