Why Do We Mistake the 'Right' Person? An Analysis of Three Deep Love Archetypes

On the journey of love, we are often swept away by a momentary spark and rush into intimacy before truly understanding the other person. Yet, as passion fades and daily reality sets in, many suddenly realize: “How did they change?” In truth, the other person hasn’t changed—it’s our initial perception that was clouded by projection and expectation. So, how can we avoid mistaking someone who merely *seems* right?

Why Do We Mistake the 'Right' Person?

Psychologist Susan Campbell, in her book *A Couple’s Journey*, outlines five stages of romantic relationships: infatuation, adjustment, stabilization, commitment, and co-creation. The infatuation phase typically lasts 12 to 24 months, during which the brain floods with phenylethylamine (PEA), dopamine, and norepinephrine—neurochemicals that create intense euphoria and connection. This biological state makes us feel as though the other person is our destined soulmate.

However, this “altered state” often masks real differences. In the early stages of dating or courtship, people tend to display extraordinary patience and empathy—listening intently, offering support, and prioritizing harmony. But as the relationship deepens, both individuals gradually return to their authentic selves, no longer performing an idealized version. When hormonal illusions fade, previously overlooked personality differences emerge. Without awareness of the “expectation effect,” this shift can trigger cognitive dissonance: “Do they not love me anymore?”

Even more influential is the “projection effect.” Many assume their partner inherently understands them without explicit communication, believing, “They just get me” or “We think alike.” They project their own desires for validation and resonance onto the other, mistaking imagined synchronicity for genuine compatibility. Once reality disrupts this fantasy, disappointment inevitably follows.

Embracing Authenticity Is True Compatibility

A true “soulmate” isn’t someone without flaws or perpetual alignment. Real compatibility means seeing the whole person—strengths and shadows—and choosing to stay with openness and care. As Pia Mellody writes in *Facing Love Addiction*: “Mature intimacy isn’t built on tension, but on safety and calm.”

We often equate soulmates with ideal traits: warmth, attentiveness, telepathic understanding… Yet these ideals usually stem from familial patterns or cultural narratives. When we confuse an “ideal type” with a “soul connection,” we overlook individual uniqueness and growth potential. Genuine intimacy isn’t about finding someone who mirrors us perfectly, but about two whole individuals building mutual respect and deep understanding.

Every relationship—long or short—is a practice in self-awareness and relational wisdom. Instead of obsessing over “finding the right person,” perhaps we should first become “the right version of ourselves”: grounded, boundary-aware, and courageous enough to engage authentically. Only then can we recognize a bond that is both profound and sustainable.

May we love with less illusion and more clarity; with less demand and more generosity. When passion settles into quiet companionship, and we still choose to walk side by side—that is love at its most beautiful. 🌹